


always, i'll care

by myouwos



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, and falls for sana just as hard as she did, nayeon is married
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:54:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23841829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myouwos/pseuds/myouwos
Summary: nayeon refuses to believe that any of this, any of what she and sana have, could be wrong. and sana has fallen in too deep to deny it.ora sanayeon cheating fic but instead of them cheating on each other, nayeon is the one cheating on her husband with sana, his own assistant.
Relationships: Im Nayeon/Minatozaki Sana
Comments: 47
Kudos: 241





	always, i'll care

**Author's Note:**

> finally wrote a fic with milf nayeon, which i was supposed to do ages ago.
> 
> there's smut, and angst, although that wasn't exactly what i had in mind when i first started writing it. 
> 
> you were warned :) 
> 
> the title comes from the song 'always, i'll care' by jeremy zucker! 
> 
> enjoy<3

  
if asked, anyone would without a doubt praise nayeon for being the perfect wife. 

they're not entirely wrong, at least not according to their own views of what a wife should and should not be. 

she and her husband have been together for sixteen years and not once did the perfectly neat surface of their relationship blur, not once did they get in a fight in public, which would have certainly been destructive for a man like him, always keeping up the appearances of a cozy home and a loving family.

nayeon gave birth to their daughter no more than a year and a half after their first meeting. she was twenty, young enough to still hope for her dreams to come true, old enough to understand to be lucid about those dreams. and with it began what would be long years of taking care of her child meanwhile he spent most of his time at work. 

it's all a bit cliché, if you asked her, but she's happy with her daughter, and a husband that she only sees when he believes it has been too long since the last time they were intimate. although happiness is very relative in that case. 

no one would suspect that the straight lines of their relationship, the loving eyes they stare at one another with or even the wide smiles that grace her lips are all forced evidences of a marriage in shambles. 

not even her own husband. 

and it's clear to say that had nayeon chosen another life, she would have chosen to become an actress, and an amazingly good one at that. because right now, as she hangs on his arm like any wife would, her grip tight not with the need to be close to whom she loves, but with a blinding rage that lays dormant in her heart, only one single pair of eyes can read through her.

"seojun, darling, i might need to leave earlier than planned." nayeon murmurs in his ear, her tone soft and apologizing- the exact contrary of her actual personality, although it seems he has not yet understood this in sixteen years. "chaeyoung shouldn't be alone for too long. i'm sure you will do well on your own." 

looking up at him with doe eyes always seems to work- if it is because he falls for her charms or because he doesn't mind spending the night without her on his arm, she would rather not know. he sighs. a smile she can easily recognize as fake spreads on his lips, certainly because he knows that everyone is staring at them, and nods. for a second, nayeon almost believed that her husband felt saddened at the thought of watching her walk away. a flash of credulity she shouldn't have allowed herself to have, not anymore. 

"how am i going to look without you on my arm. you know i can't prevent you from leaving, but i wish you would have stayed until the gala ends." his smile never dies down, and nayeon mirrors it perfectly, aware of the need to give everyone a good impression. there's something about his dimples, about his white smile that angers her. it's hard for her to remember that this is what she fell for in the first place. "take care of chaeyoung, and tell her good night for me."

before she can walk away, his arms encircle her waist gently, and his lips fall over her cheek, a soft emotionless kiss that causes chills to run down her arms. 

nayeon does not return it. not even when he stares at her intensely, waiting.

"well, sana, could you please accompany my dear wife home. i should do well on my own for the night."

the woman who had been standing next to the couple for the past hour nods, short brown hair brushing her shoulders. nayeon hears her husband sigh as she walks away. she ignores it. 

everyone around them admires nayeon for how well she supposedly takes care of her family, for her grace as she crosses the ballroom, silky red evening gown hugging her waist to perfection and shining like water falling over her skin. curious eyes wonder why she's taken the direction of the exit, some stare behind her shoulder, certainly at the woman that follows after her, click of heels in sync with hers on the marble floor. 

and avoiding eye contact with everyone in the room doesn't mean she doesn't catch the jealousy radiating in waves off of women. she has been able to feel it everyday of these past ten years. all of this because she's the one who married seojun, destined to take over his father's company and who has now become its rich- and according to them handsome- ceo. 

"here, let me get your coat, mrs. park." a voice calls from behind her as she steps into the entrance hall, shy, nervousness threatening to take over her soft tone judging from the light tremble nayeon picks up. she doesn't turn around to face her. instead nayeon patiently waits for the moment she'll finally get to be herself, for the freedom that comes from being alone, away from rich investors and hypocrites who all wait for her to make one, single wrong move. 

the soft material of her coat drapes over her shoulders, and only then does nayeon finally see her. 

one look is enough to make her dizzy, mind a blurry flurry of thoughts that will sooner or later cause her own destruction. that is, if sana doesn't end up hurting before her. a hand trails down the side of her dress, mindlessly tracing the curve of her hips, and the woman in front of her clearly has a hard time looking away from her cleavage, an intoxicating gaze forcing desire to boil under the surface of her skin. 

it's unfair, really, that a single look can have the power of a perfectly placed touch of lips against burning skin. nayeon doesn't think she will ever get used to how utterly beautifully powerful the woman makes her feel.

"your driver has arrived." her eyes finally look away as sana attaches one button of her coat, aware of how useless it would be to button it entirely when it will surely end up messily thrown somewhere in the car in a few minutes- seconds even, judging from how hard nayeon seems to be breathing. "after you."

sana is always so polite. it riles nayeon up a lot more than she would ever admit, although it sometimes slips from her mind, resulting in her trying to get her to let go. there's nothing fair either about the fact that sana is polite even with a writhing nayeon sitting on her laps, dress lowered to rest around her waist and breasts waiting for her to give them the attention they deserve.

they both knew that this is exactly how the evening would end. 

sana might have given herself a talk, promised that she wouldn't fall for nayeon's sweet words and pouting lips, but then she would look at her, bite her bottom lip, and sana's world would come crumbling down on herself. even today, even after the numerous times she's fucked nayeon in the back of that same car, guilt invades her mind every time she sees how loving her husband, her own boss, appears to be with her. 

but then nayeon whimpers, a soft melody that reaches sana's ears and hypnotizes her, and guilt is the furthest thing from her mind.

"are you going to stare during the entire ride or will you, at some point, get on with fucking me." nayeon rolls her eyes, hands gripping her shoulders tightly, the touch passionate and begging, and sana knows that there is no use in resisting the intoxicating storm that is nayeon. 

even if said storm ends up taking each and every part of her, one by one, until she's left with nothing but her own shattered heart and heavy tears to replace the short lived euphoria that courses through her veins when nayeon allows her to share such intimacy.

it's a dance that she now knows far too well, one that gets more and more rapid and intense with every step, threatening to bring her to the ground and to never allow her to stand back up again. but when she holds nayeon's hips and brushes her shoulder length hair away, lips attached to her neck in a possessive bite, the risks they are both taking do not matter- they never will, not until it all goes wrong, and then she'll be left alone to face the consequences of it all.

"what do you want tonight ?" sana asks, lips ghosting along the sensitive skin of her throat, light bites forcing another moan out of her, this one far needier than before. in all honesty, sana knows exactly what nayeon will ask of her. a light pink spreads on her cheeks, the blush going up to her ears, and that's a reaction she's observed as frequent when nayeon wants to be used, wants sana to do as she pleases with her because her one and only desire is to forget about him, and to think about her hands, her adventurous mouth and soft pink lips.

"anything... i don't care, just make me come before we reach home." nayeon pants, frustrated from the lack of attention sana is giving to her. she's rarely found herself half naked on someone's laps, begging for their touch, without them giving into their most basic instincts. but sana is different, and this she understood long ago. 

there's such a clear distinction between this nayeon, the one that forces sana's head down until she's facing a pink bud, one begging for her attention, and the nayeon she first met. one is free, free enough to let herself be taken by another woman while being aware of the consequences this could have. the other is relentless, in charge not only of her own life, but also of her husband's perfect image. this one would scare sana if she didn't know how easy it has become to have her begging for her every touch, writhing under her no matter the time of the day.

soft lips wrap around the nipple, and the cry that slips past nayeon's lips is sinful. as sinful as she looks right now, dress bunched around her waist with each of her knees framing sana's thighs, the white lace panties she chose to wear- certainly just for sana, at least that's what she tells herself so as not to stop- soaked and waiting to be tossed aside. 

one of her hands leaves sana's shoulder and lands in her hair, tugging at the perfect hairdo. the bite of her nails is one that she barely resisters, mind entirely focused on making the woman come, even if that means she has to bend her over the very own seat they're sitting on. her teasing sucks become light bites, a roll of her tongue soothing the sudden sensation, and nayeon hates that no one knows her body quite like sana does. not even herself.

"he kissed you." the silence is broken by those few words, sana pulling away from the sensitive bud for a few seconds before attaching her lips to the other one. and nayeon groans, because she hates this, despises the fact that sana had to mention him while he's the last thing she'd like to think about. 

it's dangerous, jealousy, and she knows it better than anyone else. 

it's what brought her here today, what makes her skin itch uncomfortably every time her husband touches her, and certainly what will break her in the end. she wishes that sana would be spared of the growing anger that threatened to drown her when her own jealousy became too intense. but what nayeon doesn't know, is that it's too late to save her anyway.

"then make him leave, make him disappear from my skin." nayeon breathes hard against sana's face, mint breath hitting her cheek like a light spring breeze, and her warm brown eyes are enough to get her to forget about the gala. pictures of nayeon clinging to his side, laughing along with him and closing her eyes as his lips touched her cheek will resurface into her mind later, when she'll step into her apartment, alone. but now, now is not the time for that.

every second she spends with nayeon, sana sees as a temporary chance to believe that the feelings quietly blooming in her heart are somehow reciprocated. and she intends on living each of those as if they were the last ones.

(it's as if she knew that all of this would come to a stop and stay as a distant memory she'll long for.)

her touches becomes messier, certainly because she knows that they're getting closer to the mansion, closer to this night ending. and leaving nayeon hanging there, on edge, is definitely not what she wishes to see happen.

one of her hands trails down, delivering a light but possessive pinch to the nipple left unattended, until it lands between her thighs, gently caressing the skin there as she waits. but nayeon is far from being very patient, and seems to decide to take matters into her own hands in front of sana's inaction. she pushes the slit of her panties to the side, and her fingers immediately find the source of her pleasure. that is until a hand wraps around her throat in a light warning.

"don't. i'm taking care of you, your only job here is to moan and come around my fingers, understood ?" sana murmurs in her ear, always apprehensive of being heard by the driver even through the privacy window. and it works, nayeon immediately pulling her own hand away although it is with a small whine, fingers quickly replaced by sana's.

the hold on her throat never leaves, certainly because she knows just how wet it's making her, and it barely serves in keeping nayeon quiet. 

two fingers dip into her entrance, barely slipping in, and yet nayeon is already trembling on her laps, close to the edge from such a simple touch. it might be because she's spent the entire evening eyeing her husband's assistant from afar, playing a dangerous game of seduction with her every time she had evidence that sana's attention was on her. her husband had been entirely oblivious to the slightly exaggerated pout that sometimes graced her lips, neither had he realized that she bent over the counter of the bar lightly on purpose, accepting a glass of champagne for herself.

nayeon supposes that she should be the one to blame for working herself up like this. but the result will only be even more intense, and she's only proud of herself.

"you're so beautiful, soaked just for me. you only have five minutes to come, so i would advise you don't act like a brat." sana scolds when nayeon's hips move on her laps, desperately trying to get her to sink into her and fuck her until she's nothing but a moaning mess. 

thankfully, sana does just that. two digits slip past her entrance, inner walls clenching around them, drawing them further into her heat, and it all drives her to fall for a temptation she rarely allows herself to experience. her lips fall over sana's, teeth clashing as she gets closer to the edge with every thrust, the assistant's wrist almost aching from the fast pace. it should be forbidden for a simple kiss to feel so good.

(had nayeon been able to think more appropriately, she would have felt all of the bumbling feelings threatening to be released from the kiss. 

perhaps did she simply choose to ignore them.)

"fuck, feels so good." nayeon moans against her lips, right before sana brings her into another kiss, and it's the only way for her whimpers to be kept relatively quiet as she brings her to an overwhelming orgasm. 

her thighs shake on either side of her, muscles growing tense from the pleasure coursing through her veins, and nayeon wonders how something so morally wrong can feel so good, knows that letting go of this will be the most arduous task she's ever had to face. slick spills over sana's hand and she doesn't pull out, letting nayeon catch her breath as her inner walls still clamp around her fingers from the intensity of her orgasm.

the car thankfully doesn't immediately come to a stop, still a few minutes away from its destination, and although she knows that it is something she should forbid herself from, she doesn't move and lets sana wrap her in a warm embrace. 

the assistant helps her dress, slowly pulling out and eliciting another whimper from the married woman. and if it weren't for the blush coating her cheeks and the fact that she probably won't be able to walk without her help, nayeon looks exactly like she did when she first entered the car.

silence replaces the earlier whimpers, only because they both know how dangerous words can be in such a situation. 

there's so much to say, so much to feel, but it seems that cheating on her husband and sleeping with her boss' wife are the only risks they are willing to take. because as long as they both stay silent, then no one is allowing the other to hurt.

indeed, nayeon is the perfect wife. attentive to her daughter whom she loves more anything, giving up on her own freedom to be with a man she's not sure she ever loved. 

and sana is not sure that she will ever be ready to give up on that title.

( _especially not for me_ stays silent, echoing in the deepest part of her mind as a warning she chooses to ignore.)

  
\-----

  
it had all started after nayeon found out she was being cheated on. 

a revenge of sort that she allowed herself to experience. but what had been supposed to be a one time thing had evolved into whatever she and sana now have. 

she had passed by his office to surprise him, finding sana working on his laptop instead of her husband, and it had all gone downhill from then. probably because deep down, she knew exactly what had been happening behind her back for so long, knew that ceo or not, no one spends such a vast amount of time away from their own family unless it is to be with someone else. 

still today, she wonders how getting betrayed had grown to become the best thing that happened to her.

"where is seojun ?" nayeon had asked, suddenly feeling self conscious about the time she spent dolling herself up before coming, wondering why she even tried to fix a relationship that neither of them seemed particularly attached to. 

sana's hair used to be as black as the night sky, and nayeon remembers how it influenced her to change her own brown color to copy hers. 

"oh, hello mrs. park. i fear that he left earlier today." sana had blushed, standing up from his office chair to greet her. and still today, nayeon remembers how hard it had been for the assistant to look at her, as if she feared falling under her charms. "i actually believed he was planning on joining you but... i suppose not."

"and what exactly led you to believe that ?" nayeon had asked, slowly walking closer to sana and taking in how utterly beautiful she was- it was not the first time that she noticed her husband's assistant for her beauty, but it indeed was the first time that she decided to indulge herself in admiring her. it felt like a step taken towards a dangerous path, one that she had not prevented herself from following.

it had seemed like sana realized her mistake, realized that she spoke too much as she had looked away, eyes full of guilt. but the day someone will be able to resist nayeon had not yet come.

"he spent a lot of time... preparing for his meeting is all."

that's when nayeon knew that sana knew. and oddly enough, it had hurt more than actually finding out that her husband was cheating on her. the humiliation of it all, to know that someone was aware of the hardships her family was going through, it's what made her cry. but sana has never been one to judge others, and instead had rushed to hug nayeon, shyly wrapping her arms around her waist and patting her back in a comforting gesture. 

that's when she found out that sana was the perfect height to allow her face to stay comfortably tucked in her neck. she had caught a scent of roses and strawberries, sweetness taking over her mind in a thick haze.

if asked, nayeon wouldn't be able to tell what made her act on her attraction to sana, feelings she had barely acknowledged coming rushing to the surface as she stared at her with warm brown eyes. it might have been because in that moment, she felt appreciated for herself for the first time in her life, sana's eyes wandering down to the two buttons of her white silk shirt she had left free. 

it's certainly an excuse that's absolutely not valuable, to say that she leaned backwards until her back hit the edge of her own husband's desk simply because she hadn't felt desired by anyone in years. and had it been her only motivation, she certainly would have stopped it all when sana insisted on how wrong it was. 

but she hadn't. 

instead, sana had slipped between her parted legs, and lowered down on her knees from a push of nayeon's hand after laying a single kiss on her collarbone. it had been quick, shy hands hiking her skirt up her thighs and soft lips kissing over the slit of her panties, ones she had bought just for him, but ones only sana has had the pleasure of slipping down her legs. the door not being locked didn't stop them, certainly because nayeon couldn't think anymore, not with sana's tongue drawing circles around her clit, not with her hands gripping onto her thighs to keep them spread. 

not with fresh tears still glistening on her cheeks, ones that sana took time to kiss away after bringing nayeon over the edge.

it had been soft and unexpected. a mutual attraction that had layed dormant finally breaking free and driving them toward one another in a mess of shy tentative touches and ushered whimpers. 

despite not having talked about it, nayeon having watched as regret flashed through sana's eyes and she ran away from the office, leaving a still panting nayeon behind herself, it was clearly supposed to be a one time thing, a slip up they would agree on forgetting about. 

and they had tried, really, on so many occasions, to stay away from each other. but a simple heavy-lidded look or a hidden smile, would ruin all of their efforts and bring them into bed again.

a year later, not much has changed other than the hotels they find themselves spending the evening in, nayeon always leaving in the middle of the night to come home.

she's not sure seojun doesn't know, and wonders if he hasn't figured everything out, just like she did, but chose to ignore the truth to keep the appearances up. in all truth, she couldn't care less about his feelings. not when he's betrayed her just like she did, and for this she'll never feel sorry for any hurt this might bring to him.

but what nayeon fears, what she knows is inevitable, is the hurt she'll bring to the woman who it seems has taken over a wide part of her heart.

  
\-----

  
every night, nayeon falls in love.

she stares at the glowing moon by the window, and imagines sana doing the same.

every morning, she forgets about it all. 

but the melody of sana's voice never stops playing in her mind, a never ending dizzying loop.

  
\-----

  
sana sometimes allows herself to believe that nayeon will someday, truly and entirely be hers.

not in a possessive sense of the term, no, she's long ago understood that no one can put nayeon in a box and ask her to stay still like we would with a doll. all sana wants is to be more than the person nayeon turns too when she lacks physical attention. she wants to spend each and every hour of the day by her side, wants to come home to her every night and be able to take her in her arms like she's dreamed of doing so many times. 

an entirely different life is going on in her mind, one that she knows will surely never become reality, for the simple fact that nayeon is a married woman, and she, an assistant who can barely pay rent and save enough money to buy presents for the woman she's fallen for. it would be beautiful, and surely the best thing that could happen to them, to be able to love without hiding, without suppressing their own feelings. 

but it's not the case. and sana is left on her own often, longing after a future that she knows won't happen, smiling alone in her bed at night as she replays her short interactions with nayeon during the day. 

it sometimes feels like she knows more about nayeon than her own husband. and of course she does. she spends more time with her than he ever did.

at first, it would be meaningless little details she stored in the back of her mind. she used to play it off as being professional, anticipating the needs of her boss' wife in case she ever passed by the company, but even then it was all a lie. ever since her first day at work, ever since her eyes first landed on nayeon, her wide brown eyes hidden by a pair of channel shades and red leather dior bag catching the eye of anyone who would look her way, she hasn't stopped thinking about her. and nothing about her thoughts had to do with being professional.

so sana learned small details about nayeon, like the fact that she only drank oolong tea, refusing any other sort of beverages unless sana brought her a coffee with a touch of cinnamon and one drop of vanilla- an information that it seems only she has collected. she learned that nayeon certainly owns enough pairs of shoes to be able to buy the apartment she lives in if she sold all of them, the red soles always perfectly coordinated with her outfits, giving that one needed touch of color to the grey and beige pantsuits she usually wears.

what sana used to love the most about nayeon, when she was still nothing but a stranger who appeared to be spending a lot of time handling her husband's finances, is the fact that she never once ignored her presence.

she's used to it, being invisible in a room occupied by business men and women, all holding important roles in the company, far more important than being an assistant. but every time she would enter a meeting room to find nayeon there, she would be greeted with a wide smile and a small wave, gold wedding ring always catching her eye, heart heavy with sorrow when the shining diamond seemed to be pointing an accusatory finger at her, for allowing her own thoughts to wander into dangerous territories.

galas were always boring to her, especially when she had to trail after her boss in case he needed her help. but with nayeon by his side, she could forget about the hypocrisy of those surrounding her, strained smiles on their lips as they praised her looks certainly because her dress wasn't a last season givenchy.

and then it happened. 

meaningless details became part of her daily life, they were what she searched for, desperately trying to get to know nayeon in her own ways even though she was never truly invited to do so. 

today, sana knows that nayeon's heart resides in her daughter's hands. she's seen it with her own eyes, passing by the mansion in the middle of her lunch break to fetch files seojun had forgotten there, and falling upon her watching over chaeyoung as she drew on a wall with a loving glint in her eyes. nayeon would encourage her, insisting on how proud she always is of her, and that's when sana knew. 

knew that she would hate to be the one to separate them, that she simply couldn't ever do this to nayeon.

she's discovered that nayeon is actually pretty similar to all of the housewives that live in the neighborhood- the only difference is that instead of sleeping with the gardener she chose her husband's employee. she lounges around the vast swimming pool all day long, sometimes taking breaks to attend a yoga class to which she once took sana. 

(she had expected everyone to be surprised by her presence, and gossip to run around the neighborhood in seconds, but instead had been welcomed with opened arms.

sana also found out that she's far from being flexible, and that looking away from nayeon stretching on her mat, right in front of her, had been too much to ask from her.)

but what she loves about her is the blush that tints her cheeks in a light pink that reminds her of the falling leaves of cherry blossoms, sometimes deepening until it resembles the warm colors of a sunset in the middle of summer, a soft breeze caressing her hair in a light and peaceful embrace. in a way, it feels like it's reserved just for her, like she's the only one who's able to get such a reaction out of nayeon.

it graces her cheeks every time she praises her, and even more when sana is sitting on her face, slowly riding her tongue, and staring down at her with a pleased smile. nayeon melts under every praise, and that's usually all it takes to get her to forget about the new idiocies her husband came up with, enough to get her to let go entirely in sana's arms.

but what she doesn't know is that nayeon has been collecting all sorts of small details about her as well. she never allows herself to seriously consider the possibility that nayeon could return her feelings, but there is a lot that she has yet to have discovered about the woman whose heart beats in sync with her own.

  
\-----

  
"do you want anything else ? dessert, perhaps ? i baked a genoise cake earlier this morning when you told me you were free to come over for lunch, i'm sure you'll like it." nayeon says, taking sana's plate along with hers as she cleans the kitchen counter they've had lunch on. 

it's rare for sana to be able to spend much time in the mansion, mostly because getting caught here without a valuable reason would surely lead to seojun finding out about their affair. but when she does, nayeon making sure to send the gardeners home, the time she gets to spend with nayeon is far more precious than any of the nights they've spent entangled in the sheets of expensive hotel rooms.

"i can think of a few things i'd like to eat right now and i'm sure the genoise can wait." her smirk is teasing, and she takes one last sip of the 1982 red bordeaux that nayeon served to her for the occasion, eyes following each and every moves of the short haired woman. she doesn't know why anyone would dress so elegantly to stay home but will certainly not complain about the sight, emerald green blouse making it hard for sana to want to leave back for work.

nayeon chuckles, turning back to face sana with a light pout on her lips. "but if you don't eat a slice now then you never will. you know that once you get me in bed, you're not leaving until you know that you'll be late for work. that's not how it works, ms. minatozaki." 

but before she can complain any longer about sana's lack of enthusiasm at the prospect of having dessert, she shuts up her with a kiss, leaning over the counter and ignoring the uncomfortable sensation of the edge digging into her stomach to focus on the plump red lips moving over hers. that's all it takes for nayeon to forget about dessert or any kind of logical thought. her eyes fall shut as soon as she feels sana's hands gently framing her face and pulling her forwards, blissfully aware of how right all of this feels. 

pulling away from sana is hard, and she wonders if she's not getting too attached. but it's too late to worry about this. she knows that ever since this started, sana is all she can think about, her heart aching every time she falls asleep next to her husband instead of the woman she has grown to love.

"bedroom ?" sana asks, already walking around the counter to grab nayeon's hand, pulling her towards the spare bedroom they always use. 

"no." she wraps her arms around sana, a teasing glint shining in her eyes. "let's stay here. i'm sure you would look great sitting on there with my face buried between your legs, right ?"

and that's all sana needs to hear for nayeon to convince her.

  
\-----

  
choosing to ignore the fact that she will never truly be able to call nayeon hers is certainly what will break them, in the end.

but the euphoria of it all, the overwhelming love that courses through her veins and that might actually end up being the most vicious and heartbreaking kind of poison, makes it impossible for her to stay away from the woman who will surely destroy every last pieces of her being.

nayeon might whisper in her ear that she loves her, that she wouldn't trade what they have for any other kind of love, and be content with it, but sana, she wants to run to the top of a mountain and scream it until her lungs ache from her feelings for the woman, until she's left breathless, a loving confession echoing in her the valley and reaching the ears of the world. 

she's not made for this, not made to be anyone's replacement, to be waiting peacefully on the side for nayeon to make a choice that will surely end up hurting them both. 

and yet, not once did she think of leaving. 

that's when she should have realized that she fell in love, and that the feelings that linked her heart to nayeon's would certainly never disappear.

  
\-----

  
"would you leave him ?" sana asks one evening, sheets lazily thrown over herself as nayeon clings to her waist, tracing unfathomable forms over the damp skin of her stomach. the _for me_ stays unsaid, but it echoes louder than any words in her ears.

nayeon sighs, brushing her brown hair back as she looks up at sana, chin resting on her palm. it's been more than a year since she first slept with sana, and yet not once did she find the answer to that question, one that she used to ask herself everyday. the hard part about finding an answer is taking sana's feelings into account, all of that while being realistic and caring about her family, about the consequences that divorce would have on chaeyoung but also on her own life.

(an equation that is impossible to solve without leaving a few bruises behind herself.

sometimes nayeon feels like asking for her to answer that one question is basically asking for her to choose who she wishes to watch hurt. and that's the last dilemma she wants to be faced with.)

"sana..." she sighs, heart clenching uncomfortably when sana avoids staring at nayeon, instead blinking at the white ceiling, swallowing hard in fear of all of this stopping right there and now. an arm supports her head against the headboard, sana refusing to look at the piercing brown eyes she's now far too familiar with. "i would leave him, really i would. but chaeyoung, she's still a teenager, and she loves her father. i don't want to take her away from him, nor do i know if divorce won't result in the contrary happening. i can't live without her, i can't... can't take such a risk."

"he wouldn't take her from you."

"and what tells you that exactly ?" nayeon's chuckle is dry, devoid of any humor. "he doesn't care about me in case you forgot. and if he wants his daughter to live with him, then that's exactly what he'll get."

"will we never be more than that, then ? you'll just continue to come see me when you need me and then throw me away like a disposable object again and again ?" sana breathes harder now, taking a deep gulp of air to try to calm herself down.

and the irony in all of this, is that she knew that this would be her answer, could have predicted it word for word, because she's seen the loving mother that nayeon is, spent enough time with her there to know that no one will ever matter to her more than chaeyoung. asking for her to leave her husband is not what she intends on doing, because she knows that it's impossible, but she tried, now forced to face what used to be a truth she ignored, desperately wishing to be wrong. 

"come on, don't tell such lies." nayeon denies, sitting up on the bed until she's actually facing her. her voice sounds angry, and sana suddenly feels bad for insinuating what she knows is far from the truth. "you're more than that to me. a lot more than he will ever be, and trust me when i say that i care about you so much more than a husband who's only attachment to me is a ring. don't let him come between us."

"i- i'm not sure i'll be able to bear this for much longer." 

and this feels more like a truth she finally admitted to herself than a confession she needed to make to nayeon. because of course she's hurting, of course she hates knowing that she'll never get to be with the woman she fell for, no matter what nayeon might tell herself to sleep better at night and to chase away nightmares in which sana leaves and takes with herself the most cherished part of her own life. 

it had been easy. for a few weeks, no feelings had gotten involved other than the pure need for revenge and the pleasure they indulged themselves in. but how could sana protect her heart from a woman like nayeon when her smile is enough to pierce through all of her barriers in a blinding ray of sunlight, how could she prevent herself from falling for a woman who stares at her like she's her whole world, brown eyes shining with something entirely different from lust. 

"don't..." nayeon forces her to look down, reaching for her jaw, eyes staring right back at hers with tears glistening in the usual warm comforting brown. "i can't lose you. i just need you to wait, and then when chaeyoung will be older, when i'll earn enough to take care of the both of us, you'll have me."

a lump is rising in her throat, threatening to let tears of her own cascade down her cheeks. but the dangerous part about all of this, about falling for someone like nayeon, is that she forgets the importance of her own feelings at the first bruise that appears on the woman's heart. and instead of crying like she so desperately wants to, instead of ending what will surely only grow to become more painful, sana smiles, and brings nayeon in a kiss that burns with her suppressed emotions and the pain of a life she'll never have.

sana wants to believe nayeon so much that she almost convinces herself of those sweet lies being true.

but almost is never enough.

  
\-----

  
an empty bottle of wine rests forgotten on the floor, red drops having spilled onto the white carpet carelessly as she brought the third glass to her lips, a stain of the same color present on the edge from the lipstick she refused to wipe off.

all she needs to do to feel sana's lips against her own is to close her eyes, and suddenly, all of the obstacles that prevent her from being with the woman she loves disappear. it's a dangerous dream, one that blurs her vision until she feels like she could touch it if she tried to reach for what will unfortunately never be. or perhaps is it a sweet nightmare, one created from the part of her mind that has been invaded by guilt ever since she first felt sana's hands on her burning skin, its only purpose to taunt her with images of a hopeless world.

her earlier discussion with sana keeps on replaying in her mind, sad eyes flashing in front of her closed eyelids again and again as if seeing them in the first place hadn't been enough. 

she wants to cry, but doesn't know why. feels like she lost something tonight and will never be able to get it back, but doesn't know what.

"mom, it's late. why are you still up ?" chaeyoung interrupts her thoughts as she appears in the living room from the doorway that leads to the part of the mansion she's claimed as her. her presence is enough to put an end to the vicious circle she found herself stuck in, and a smile replaces her worried expression. no one has the power to cheer her up quite like her daughter does. 

"in case you forgot, i'm the adult here. don't act so grown up with me, you're still my little girl, and you're the one who's supposed to be in bed." nayeon pouts teasingly, reaching for her glasses although the wine she's drank gets to her head and prevents her from doing much in her current state. the glass almost falls from her hand, chaeyoung cursing under her breath at the sight. it's pathetic, really, how fast chaeyoung is to rush to her side, steadying her mother as she tries to stand up, naked feet almost landing on the forgotten bottle of wine. 

"yeah, well would you look at who's acting like a stupid teenager here." chaeyoung rolls her eyes playfully, taking the glass from her hands and leaving it on the table, along with the forgotten bottle. asking her to lean on her side, she helps her mother toward the master bedroom, her previous quest for glasses now useless.

nayeon has always tried to protect her daughter from the real world, allowed her to create her own one and stay enveloped in a bright pink vision of the darkness that spread over their family with time. it all worked well when she was still a child, discovering the world that surrounded her pieces by pieces, allowing nayeon to hide with a diligent attention each of its rotten parts. but with this, she had also made sure to inculcate the essential importance of freedom, of never allowing anyone to tell her what she should do with her life if it's not what she wishes for. and that's exactly what led her to find out about what nayeon had been trying to hide.

"hey ! i never called you stupid from what i can remember." her mother pouts, probably forgetting that she's talking to her daughter through the drunken haze that draped over her mind. chaeyoung only chuckles, grunting from the weight that leans entirely onto her side. "you only get a pass for it because i'm too tired to fight."

the stairs are the hardest step to pass towards the bedroom. chaeyoung doesn't have too much trouble helping her mother get on the bed although she wonders if she should remove the makeup that stained her cheeks with her tears, light traces of black evidence of that bottle of wine not having been drank purely for its taste. 

"you never fight anyway." chaeyoung mumbles, low enough for her mother not to hear it. she's laying on the bed, legs absentmindedly dangling in the void, eyes closed as she recounts the events that took place a few hours ago. 

"can you stay with me tonight ?" nayeon's broken voice interrupts chaeyoung before she can think of leaving the room, and she rolls her eyes, because of course she's staying, it's been that way for years now and is not about to change. 

without a word, she leaves only to come back with a wipe, helping her mother get rid of the still visible pain in her features. 

the place that used to be her father's is one that she finds herself occupying a lot more often than he ever does, and she knows it hurts her mother, knows that their family is far from being as perfect as her parents makes it out to be. knows that her mother was crying because she gave up on her own happiness for her daughger to stay oblivious, for the pink bubble that wrapped around her vision of the world to never burst.

nayeon clings to her side as soon as she lays next to her. 

"mom, can you promise something to me ?" 

"anything you want, sweetie."

"think about yourself too. there's no use in trying to save what's already lost."

the bedroom stays silent afterwards and nayeon will certainly have forgotten everything by morning. 

everything but the fear of losing sana.

  
\-----

  
"you really need to get yourself a new car. this leather is not even italian." nayeon sighs, distaste clear in her expression as she looks around the seats. "i bet this car is at least six years old. what a shame." 

her grip on the steering wheel tightens. this is certainly not the first time nayeon has criticized her dear car, and it certainly won't be the last one. that is, unless she chooses to take the final step of their relationship, one that they're both too scared of taking. but then nayeon gets in a rant of how inexcusable it is that she doesn't at least get payed enough every month to buy a new car, and promises to speak a word of it to her husband.

"also, not that i don't trust your tastes considering you chose me, but that dark green color looks exactly like vomit you would find in restrooms of cheap bars." 

traces of a smile spread on her lips. she's been driving for a good hour, getting as far away from the city as possible while still being able to find a three stars restaurant for nayeon. a warm sun momentarily blinds her, but the lack of vehicles on the road reassures her. 

"if you wanted to sit in a nice car we should have taken yours. but guess what ?"

"it wasn't my fault, okay!" nayeon huffs, crossing her arms as she petulantly looks by the window at the moving scenery, wide fields surrounding them, as vast as a sea of grass. 

"you drove into a park, nayeon. and then proceeded to complain about there being trees to block your way. i think we could say that was your own wrongdoing." 

"whatever." she rolls her eyes, only pretending to be mad. it takes approximately five seconds for her to forget about their little argument, not that sana was counting. a hand slowly comes to rest on sana's jeans clad thigh, caressing her leg over the rough fabric. her touch is warm, devoid of any hidden interest, its only purpose being nayeon needing to feel close to her, at least as close as you can get in a car.

"where are you bringing me again ? you didn't forget that i can't pay today right ? he still won't give me my credit card back since that time i bought eleven pairs of shoes at jimmy choo. men truly have no taste." 

and this time, sana has a hard time swallowing back her laugh, wide smile breaking on her face. "it's alright. it's a secret, but please for the sake of my bank account, do not order champagne this time." 

"that would so not be me to do this. can't believe you would think so low of me."

lunch passes by in a blur, nayeon animatedly telling her about chaeyoung's new achievements at school- which mostly consist of having drawn on an entire wall which got her punished, until nayeon came by and, according to her own words, only had to pout to save her daughter from detention. she believes it, that pout will certainly haunt her for the rest of her life.

it's odd, but all sana can think about in that moment is how lucky she is to have experienced this. to have encountered nayeon when she did, to have gotten the opportunity to know love, no matter the complexity of their relationship. she wouldn't trade what they have for anything in this world, even if it all resides in a hidden part of their lives, one that will eventually end up disappearing like a summer love story.

nayeon's hair has grown a bit since the last time she cut it, surprising sana with her new haircut, one chosen because she wanted them to be matching. it's falling over her shoulders in soft waves, waves that remind her of the dangerousness of a tormented sea, the same one they have been swimming in for months while hopelessly trying not to get wet. 

she's beautiful, so beautiful that it hurts to look away, blinding smile forcing her eyes to close and one of her own to appear on her pink lips. 

sana isn't sure she remembers when they stepped out of the italian restaurant, doesn't remember when they found themselves walking along a river whose name she ignores. but the tight loving hold of nayeon's hand in hers is one that will forever be engraved into her heart. 

if nayeon noticed that her mind is elsewhere entirely, she doesn't speak of it. and perhaps is it that she too decided to enjoy a rare instant of peace, to make sure her fears are replaced by memories of a short lived happiness.

perhaps is sana not the only one to know that this moment will be the last one. 

  
\------

  
a choice was made on that day. 

and along with it, a promise to always care, no matter what the next page that is waiting to be turned reserves for them.

  
\-----

  
against all odds, sana is the one to break nayeon's heart. and along with it, her own.

it hurts more than she could have imagined, and she spends the days prior to it at home, sobs coursing through her body every time she thinks about what a future without nayeon would be like. it resembles her worst nightmare, certainly because her happiest dreams used to be filled with images of nayeon. 

she would fall asleep with her smile glued to her eyelids, and would toss and turn in her bed until the screen of her phone light up with a single purple heart, a text that unfairly sated all of her worries and that has now turned into a painful ache. 

nayeon should have seen it coming, she should have known that empty promises of a shared future wouldn't be enough for someone who fell so deeply into her orbit and simply couldn't break free from her hold. 

and yet when sana joined her at a random park they chose for their meeting, her features look just as soft and relaxed as ever, light wind gently brushing her hair back and allowing sana to see just how eager she was to see her. she had certainly believed the numerous excuses sana had come up with to explain why she couldn't see her these past few days, had chosen to trust her, what sana had refused to do in front of the sweet words that left cherry tasting lips.

every step she takes, bringing her closer to nayeon's arms, outstretched towards her in her renowned impatience, feels like torture, in the most emotional and poetic sense of the term. 

and then it hits nayeon as soon as she catches the sorrow filling sana's usual cheerful eyes. a detail that slowly erases her smile, hands lowering down to the bench as she tilts her head, a silent prayer for her instincts to be wrong, for time to stop and go backwards to allow her to fix whatever she failed at. 

indeed, time stills around them, and with it sana comes to a stop in front of nayeon. falling leaves break the unmoving picture, the light pink contradicting with the dark regret filled eyes that stare back at her. 

and even then, sana smiles through her tears. but this smile isn't one of trust, nor is it one that promises to heal all of the broken pieces it will leave behind itself. it's a silent apology for words that are still left unsaid, for the pain that she'll without a doubt bring to the two of them. it pierces through the thick barriers nayeon had tried to build around her heart, burns the paper walls that were supposed to make the inevitable hurt just a bit less. 

nayeon shakes her head, slowly, denying any of the words that she knows will leave sana's mouth and have the effect of a knife on the bubble they had created, one they had chosen to live in for a short instant. but it's no use, not when sana avoids her look by staring down at the ground, the dark concrete mirroring the dark purple poison that had spread through her, slowly, ruining everything in the most beautiful and loving of ways on its way.

it's the middle of the day, and the park is almost empty save for a few children, their laughter a muffled sound in the background of a picture that reflects the end of what could have been but failed to become. nayeon is wearing a light pink dress, one that she bought with sana, for her and her eyes only, and it all makes it so much harder for her to remember the sentences she has spent three days rehearsing. 

"we need to talk." are the only words she can remember, and they roll off her tongue before she can stop them, before she can back down from all of this and take nayeon in her arms like her mind is screaming for her to do. her voice is deep, certainly from trying to keep her tears at bay, and nayeon doesn't stop shaking her head, as if she'd completely lost control over her body, now entirely led by her breaking heart.

"no." 

a hand comes to wipe away the tears that slip from nayeon's eyes, trembling against her face as she refuses to hear any more from sana. a single word is enough for her to hear how broken nayeon is, and she wishes they could go back to how things were, wishes it would be replaced by the soft melody she's used to associating it with.

it's in that moment that it appears to sana that perhaps did nayeon love her as much as she did. perhaps did she fall just as hard, but was the only one to detach herself from her feelings, the only one to know what could be possible from the beginning. it's a thought that will haunt her forever, that will darken each of her days even bathed in a warm sunlight, that perhaps she should have trusted her, should have waited a few more months or even years to be with who she loved.

what if nayeon had been right ? what if waiting had been enough, enough to spare her of having to make that choice herself, alone and lost in an eternal confusion ? 

"i'm sorry, truly am." she breathes hard, her hand tightening on the strap of her bag, one that nayeon gave to her for her birthday. throwing it away has passed through her mind, but the soft leather and its shining black reminded her too much of nayeon for her to dispose of it like it didn't matter, quite like she's doing with her right now, no matter how she tries to make it seem. "but you know that this can't continue. it'll just end up hurting more if we wait anymore than that."

face now hidden between her hands, nayeon takes a deep breath, pulling them away to reveal her tears stained cheeks and eyes red from crying. they say that images of the best moments of your life pass in front of your eyes before you die, and nayeon wonders if this is what death feels like as sana's smile is all she can think about, her hold all she can feel. 

for all she knows, a part of herself leaves her soul with sana, teared apart by a few words and a scream that stays stuck in her throat, refusing to be let out. 

she too, had wanted to scream on top of the mountain and she too, loved more than her heart could take. 

and without a word, she stands up from the cobalt blue bench, throws one last look at sana as she slowly walks closer. their eyes meet, refusing to part ways in a final good bye, and sana thinks she can see rage slowly taking over the sweet loving gaze. and when she expected nayeon to hug her, expected her to scream in anger and plead for her to stay, she simply decides to walk away, lightly hitting her shoulder with her own on the way.

the last memory sana keeps of nayeon is the click of her heels against the same pavement she kneeled onto, echoing in her ears in sync with her own painful sobs.

  
\-----

  
sana holds onto that one memory for years. 

nayeon has long ago disappeared from her life now that she has gone back to japan, leaving behind herself the life she had in korea. it had been an obvious choice considering her husband's company is everywhere, advertisements showing him on tv during every commercial she at first tried to avoid. staying in korea brought too much pain, but also made the temptation of running back to the woman she simply couldn't stopped loving get worse with each passing days.

so she left, and never looked back. 

that is, unless we count the photos of nayeon she's kept in her phone, ones that she always finds herself turning to when sleep refuses to take her in its arms and allow her a few hours of peace. no matter how happy the memories those pictures are linked to, nayeon's smile is erased on all of them to be replaced by the violent sobs that had taken over her body on that day. as if telling her that she doesn't deserve to see happiness shining in her lover's eyes anymore, not after putting out the flame that burned soothingly in both of their heart so suddenly.

at first, she sees nayeon in everything. from the red color of louboutins to the flour that she finds while buying groceries, reminding her of the time she found nayeon with white traces left all over her face and brushed them away with her own hands. 

nayeon is in the water she drinks, the tears she shed shining in her glass. she's in the happy laughter of children and in the wind. a ghost that follows after her and refuses to let her go, taking a revenge of its own over her for ruining the short bit of happiness she was able to taste in her life. 

the scars left on her heart are invisible, but stay as a reminder of a past she's not sure she wants to forget. years pass, but the pain does not.

and then she meets momo.

if asked, anyone would without a doubt say that sana loves momo, a single look enough to see the longing in her eyes and the honesty in her smiles.

once again, they're not entirely wrong, because sana supposes a part of her has grown close enough to momo to be able to call what she feels love.

but sana's lies, unlike nayeon's, taste sour in her mind.

  
\-----

  
sana finally lets go of that one memory three years later as she walks along the beach, waves crashing over the sand gently and pulling back each of the memories she kept of nayeon with themselves.

she's alone, the sand soft under her feet as she holds her shoes in her hand, and the flower that she placed in her blonde hair threatens to fall with the wind that envelops her. the few souls that wandered on the beach late into the evening are scattered all around her, far enough to allow that now unfamiliar feeling of freedom to spread in her chest like a fresh gulp of air.

it's what she supposes fulfillment tastes like, her heart now whole as she has everything she could ever wish for.

she's long ago lost the right to cry over a painful past. but she's never been known to follow the rules. and right now, sana's only duty is to be happy. 

that is, until a familiar voice reaches her ears in a melody that bring nostalgia running back into her veins, heart pumping with a euphoria she had long ago left behind herself. the thought of running away from it flashes through her mind, but her heart seems to have a mind of it's own, and her eyes trail up a figure she could never really forget until they land on the last person she expected to find here.

"sana ?" chaeyoung is the first one to speak, forcing sana to look away from her mother to greet the now more than grown up girl. "it's been so long, i can't believe you're here." 

joy radiates in her voice, and she's glad to know that who she used to know as an adventurous teenager has not lost her caring and loving nature even after all this time. 

"me neither." the blonde replies, eyes going back to nayeon with apprehension. it would be a lie to say she hadn't thought of this moment before, it used to be all she held onto to go on with her life, that someday she would find nayeon again, and apologize for ruining what they had. "what are you two doing here ?"

nayeon's lips part as if to answer, but she gets cut off by arms wrapping around her waist and gently pulling her back against a strong chest, the woman looking away from sana in what she reads as shame and a still alive pain. 

"sana, long time no see." a masculine voice she knows far too well echoes in her ears instead of the soft tone that nayeon always reserved for her. "i didn't think i would ever see you again after you quit. it's been so hard to find a replacement." 

a smile is frozen on her lips, one through which nayeon could easily read if she were to look up from the sand that surrounds them.

but she understands, how hard it must be for her, because her entire self feels like it's burning. like all that will be left of her as she'll watch nayeon once again walk away are ashes of an eternal sorrow. it might have been years since she last spoke to her, but sana knows what a hurting nayeon looks like far too well, as she has been keeping her from being happy for so long.

nayeon's eyes trail up to hers, locked in an hypnotizing gaze that makes it hard for sana to understand any of the words that are aimed at her. they're unable to look away from one another, and sana can feel all of the feelings she's pushed down resurfacing, as if those long and painful years never were, as if she could get everything she had lost back if she wished to.

but then nayeon's eyes trail down and land on her hand. her breath hitches, a hurt she should be forbidden to feel replacing the silent joy that spread through her from seeing sana again. it takes long seconds for sana to understand, for her to remember what exactly is encircling one of her fingers, until she sees her own ring shining in nayeon's dark eyes, mirroring a pain she had herself gone through every day of the year she spent by her side.

"what are you doing here in okinawa ?" he asks, voice muffled by the violent flurry of regret that flashes through her mind. until she's able to find the last bit of strength left in herself. 

"i'm getting married." 

and with those words, the crashing of waves has now become stronger, and takes back everything that was left of her past, drowning her along with her memories.

  
\-----

  
nayeon never stops looking at the moon.

even when its light burns, and with it her own heart. 

  
\-----

  
a warm body lays by her side, turning around to hug her, and her arm wraps around it naturally. 

fingers trace the surface of her skin, skimming past naked breasts to end their journey around her bellybutton, invisible circles absentmindedly drawn around it. the touch is loving, a gentle caress that forces guilt to spread in her heart, a feeling she's now understood to be far more poisonous than unrequited love and unbearable memories. 

and again, she naturally reciprocates the action, caressing her shoulder in what should be a loving touch but is in reality a distorted truth, made to please the other as much as it is made to calm her tormented soul. 

every night, sana falls in love with nayeon, all over again. 

pain used to haunt her, but not anymore. all she can see now, behind closed eyelids, is a heartwarming smile, one that gives her the needed push to continue, even if it hurts, even if she knows that hoping would not make sense anymore. 

no one would suspect that the perfect lines of their relationship, the loving eyes they stare at one another with or even the wide smiles that grace her lips are all forced evidences of a marriage in shambles. 

not even her own wife.

sana wonders if loving another woman makes her a cheater as much as nayeon was one. but momo does not seem to be hurting too much, falling for the sour lies that sana has never quite been able to let go of. 

every morning, sana tries to forget about it all. 

until night arrives again, and with it the moon, its glow on her face as bright as a smile she can never quite forget.

as momo lays a single kiss on her shoulder, one that she knows will lead to many more, sana brings a hand to rest on her chest. under it is a golden necklace, its chain leading to a heart. a finger traces the letters engraved into it, and when it finishes its journey, her lips meet her wife's.

but the letters continue to echo in her mind, a promise that she swore to never break. 

_always, i'll care._

**Author's Note:**

> :)
> 
> (might write a sequel because this made me sad. i don't know :o)


End file.
